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Showing posts with label FUNFILES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FUNFILES. Show all posts
4/09/2016
3/26/2016
EVER WONDERED:
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches?
- Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- If a deaf person had to go to court, would it still be called a hearing?
- Why is the boxing ring square?
- How can you tell if you are out of invisible ink?
- What do you call male ballerina?
- Can good looking Eskimo girl be called hot?
- Why does the sun lighten our hair but darkens our skin?
- If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
- If a 911 operator got a heart attack whom does he/she call?
- Why is the time of the day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
- Can you cry underwater?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
- Did they have antiques in the olden days?
- Why is the person that handles your money called a Broker?
- If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
- Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
- If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, then why practice?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Can you buy something specific at a General store?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- Why is that to stop Windows 98, you need to click on Start?
- Why quicksand work slowly?
- Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
- How do you know that it is an Endless Loop?
3/14/2016
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
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What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his eyes big.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his eyes big.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
Polly: “Does your grandmother read the Bible?”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”
Elaine: “Sure does. Day and night.”
Polly: “But why does she read it so much?”
Elaine: “I guess she’s cramming for her finals.”
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'
Lady: Is this my tra
Customer: Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Enjoyed? Please share.
Enjoyed? Please share.
2/26/2016
Riddle lover? Take this challenge and see what your score is.
1. When you need me
You throw me away.
When you're done with me,
You bring me back.
What am I?
2. We see it once in a year, twice in a week but never in a day. What am I?
3. Many have heard me,
But nobody has seen me.
I wil not speak back
Until spoken to.
What am I?
4. What has hands but can't clap?
5. I am tall when I am young,
I am short when I am old.
What am I?
6. What travels around the world but stays in the same spot?
7. Throw away the outside and cook the inside,
Then eat the outside and throw away the inside.
What am I?
8. What is at the end of the rainbow?
9. 500 is in my end and at my start, yet 5 is at my heart.
The first letter and the first number make me complete.
My name is that of a king.
Who am I?
10. What five letter word become shorter when two letters are added to it?
11. Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you will die. What is it?
12. What can you catch but can't throw?
13. If I have it I can't share it. If I share it, I can't have it. What is it?
14. What has one eye but can't see?
15. Take away my first letter and I will still sound the same.
Take away my last letter and I will still sound the same.
Take away my middle letter I will still sound the same.
I am a five letter word. What am I?
16. What starts with letter 't' is filled with 't' and ends with 't'?
17. How do you make number one disappear?
18. There is an ancient invention still used today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
19. What is the
3/7 chicken
2/3 cat
1/2 goat
Guess the city Name.
20. I am the son of water but when I return to water I die. Who am I?
ANSWERS:
- An anchor
- The letter 'E'
- An echo
- A clock
- A candle
- A stamp
- Corn on cob
- The letter 'W'
- DAVID
- Short
- Nothing
- Cold
- A secret
- Needle
- Empty
- A teapot
- Add letter 'G' to it and it's GONE.
- Window
- Chicago
- Ice
2/22/2016
Try these tongue twisters and have fun😆. Just make sure you don't end up biting your tongue😜
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
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As I was in Warsaw I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to be in Warsaw and see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
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Why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie if a Thai can tie a tie and untie a tie.
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How much oil boil can a gum boil boil, if a gum boil can boil oil?
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The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
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If you understand, say "understand." If you don't understand, say "don't understand." But if you understand and say "don't understand," how do I understand that you understand. Understand?
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How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit a sheet?
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She sells seashells on a seashore. The seashells she sells are seashore seashells.
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Ripe white wheat reapers reap ripe white wheat right.
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What noise annoys an oyster most?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster most.
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Upper roller, lower roller
Upper roller, lower roller
Upper roller, lower roller
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I thought a thought but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
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Jolly juggling jester jauntily juggled juggling jacks.
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2/12/2016
1/24/2016
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
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******* ******** *******
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'
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Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'
Patient: 'And how can I make them breathe deeply?'
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Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!
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'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'
'Well, doctor, I didn't, for I would have broken my neck.'
'Broken your neck?'
'Yes, for I dropped your prescription out of a third floor window.'
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****************
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'
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A librarian said to a man asking for a thriller: 'I can recommend you this book. It is a hair-raising story.'
'No use to me,' said the reader, 'I'm bald-headed.'
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12/29/2015
12/09/2015
11/07/2015
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We
were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back
and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes."
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Bob: "Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft ladder."
Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."
